About me:
I’m 35, single and completely unable to mingle thanks to a pandemic. Technically unemployed and living alone, the lock down has more than hampered my dating life, it’s made me realise what I’ve been missing for a while - connection.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a super fun life, I can go to parties whenever I like, wake up hungover, head to a gym class, enjoy a boozy brunch then go back to a peaceful flat, which I own, for a nap. Before the pandemic, it seemed like a pretty sweet life and it was in many ways. Meeting ‘the one’ was on my list, but not a priority. I was picky and I wanted Disney’s Prince Charming - even if I knew he wasn’t real.
Now sat in my garden alone, under a dark Covid-19 shadow, that craving for connection is getting stronger. I want to share my life with someone - for good and for bad, in both the fun times and the stressful ones. I want a relationship with meaning so I have someone to turn to years from now and say: ‘remember that time we lived through the lock down?’
Sitting still makes you evaluate your life in a way that being busy never will. Perhaps this enforced reset has a silver lining; a chance to really prioritise what is important in life and go after it. The perfect job with a six-figure salary no longer holds the same appeal to me as finding a deep, personal connection with someone who can hug me and tell me everything is going to be ok. Corny as Sh*t, but all I know for sure is that now more than ever I feel that loss.
On Instagram, married friends with kids think those without them are ‘winning at quarantine’. Being in lock down with children is indeed beyond challenging, but at least kids give you a good reason to get up in the morning and smile during the day. To quote psychologist and author Lori Gottlieb, being single is like ‘being in mourning” or referred to as “ ambiguous loss or grief”. Although different from the grief felt at the loss of a loved one, ambiguous loss or grief usually goes unacknowledged or unnoticed, especially by those happily coupled up. There is as Gottlieb states a “murkiness to it” that can be attributed to wanting to find a significant other, or wanting to get pregnant and indeed not being able to; really referring to any loss that is unseen. That unnoticed, untalked about loss really hits home when your friends are moaning about their partners leaving wet towels out on the floor, or their kids driving them mad, or your married friends only calling you when their partner is out of town. Us singles are not here as your second choice or for your entertainment with our disastrous dating stories. The ongoing uncertainty in asking the universe “will I ever meet someone? Or will I ever have children?” is quadrupled with the uncertainty that the pandemic brings and that is a fact!
Navigating life as a 35-year-old woman is challenging for all involved, but especially as a singleton. . Yes there are the apps, video dating, socially-distanced dates, but they don’t work for everyone. I have some friends who are loving the idea of connecting with someone in a new way during the pandemic, others are avoiding it like the plague! Me, I’ve chosen to take this time to really sit with myself and reflect on what I want out of life, love and a significant other and strengthen my existing friendships. I actually feel pretty good in this approach, so for me it works.
WHAT CAN YOU DO:
If you are married and living through the pandemic with children, please take a moment to reach out to your single friends and see how they are - without reminding them of how much harder and overwhelming your life seems. Remember that being alone constantly is especially trying - even if it’s something busy parents crave. Acknowledge that perhaps your friend is living a lifestyle they haven’t chosen and without distractions, this is tricky to navigate. Pick up the phone and ask them how their day was. It can mean so much - especially in this time of isolation.
If you are single right now and living through the lock down solo, don’t be afraid to be mad or sad that your life is effectively on hold - especially if you are feeling the pressure to meet someone because of your age. I know I am feeling frustrated, but I accept that right now these are valid emotions that I have to live through and not avoid. My advice is to lean into your feelings so you can manifest the life you want. Changing your mindset can truly change your life. It might sound trite, but I’ve found it to be true. Use this time to ask yourself deep down what you are looking for in a partner and what matters most to you. Try to focus on three things, rather than a list of 15. When this crazy lock down life ends, accept that date, or ask him or her out yourself! Be open to love and you are more likely to find it.
I won’t be like all your well meaning friends who tell you ‘not to worry and you will meet the one when you least expect it’. I will tell you that uncertainty can be re-framed as excitement, as the possibilities are endless. I won’t tell you to be grateful for what you have and to be satisfied with that. I will say that only you have the power to change your narrative and re-frame your story, only you are the protagonist in your own life, so keep the faith and smile knowing that the future will be here soon and it can be golden.
Recommended viewing:
https://www.ted.com/talks/lori_gottlieb_how_changing_your_story_can_change_your_life?language=en